preemptiveforgiveness: (Happy boy)
Matt Murdock ([personal profile] preemptiveforgiveness) wrote in [community profile] thingsthatshine2016-03-15 09:27 pm

For [personal profile] stillplaying

It’s been a very long time since Matt has gone on a proper date, much less a first date. In spite of that, he’s surprised to find that he’s nervous. He and Katniss live together. They know most of each other’s secrets so this isn’t a first date in any conventional sense. However, he’s aware that she’s never really been on a date of any kind and he wants to make sure it goes perfectly. He’d spent far longer than necessary deciding on the details of the date and he’s still nervous that none of it is right. He does feel a little better with a plan though.

He takes off from the office a little bit early to make certain that everything is ready then goes back to the apartment to get dressed. He’s going for somewhat more casual than the suit and tie he wears to work, but somewhat nicer than what he wears when he’s not working. That means nice, dark jeans, a pair of black loafers and a dark jewel-toned blue, long sleeved tee shirt. He’s also got a nice black jacket. An attempt at shaving particularly close (he’s usually got a perpetual five o’clock shadow because of the dangers of a close shave) he ends up with what feels like a decent shave and a cut on his chin. He has a drink at the bar while pacing the living room and waiting for Katniss to get ready. He doesn’t mind. It gives him one more time to go over the schedule for the night.

They’re having dinner at a nice Italian restaurant not far from here. He helped the owners out in a legal dispute when he and Foggy had first opened their firm. He’s already arranged to have a bouquet of sunflowers waiting on the table (roses don’t seem right for Katniss to him). The owners have also arranged for a special meal for them including dessert.

After dinner, they’ll be presented with a small bag that Matt packed ahead of time, including a pair of trainers for him and a pair of jeans, long sleeved pull-over, trainers and a hair tie for Katniss just in case she decides to wear something nicer than this for the date. He’ll then have a taxi take them to their next destination. He’s got no idea how to kayak, but lessons are promised and he’s reserved a two person kayak so they’ll be together. He figured she might like to do something new, something active and get to see a beautiful view of the city.

After that, the rest of the night is free. They can take a walk in the park or go for coffee or just go home. Now, if it all goes as well as he hopes, it’ll be a first date worth remembering, which is something he desperately wants to give Katniss.
stillplaying: ([happy] it's good to see you too)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-17 03:36 am (UTC)(link)
It might have been a long time since Matt had gone on a proper date, but he still has Katniss beat. Though she suspects that Matt's already figured it out, she's never gone on a single date in her life. What had been the point? She had left school at the cusp of prepubescence to take advantage of anyone willing to break the child labor laws in New York. Of course she wouldn't waste time dating. And she never had a chance during her time in the Games. But while they've talked here and there since that night, Katniss still hasn't been the most forthcoming with details about her past. The little bit that she revealed to him in between all those heated kisses had been hard enough. Really, she doesn't know where to begin with the rest of it.

But that's what a date is supposed to be for, isn't it? To get to know the person that you're interested in on the inside, not just be extremely well acquainted on the outside. Sex is so much easier. It makes her so much less vulnerable. There's nothing Matt can do to her when it comes to sex that hasn't already been done. But when it comes to revealing who she is on the inside? There's a reason that she's been extremely assertive for the past week. On those nights that she was still awake when Matt returned home, she'd seduce him without a second thought.

She couldn't say no to a date though. Saying no felt like it would be too much of a rejection and that's the last thing Katniss wants. Dates mean exposure though. Letting him get to know her in a way that he can harm her. But if she wants a relationship with Matt, if she wants to continue being with him, being loved by him, for years down the line, she knows that she needs to do this. Then Karen asked if she could help Katniss pick out an outfit. What was she supposed to say to that?

It's been a long time since she's put any effort into her appearance. Matt's blindness means nothing to her. He still sees her in his own way and she wants to look nice for him. But before the Games, she just threw on whatever was lying around to go to work. During the Games, she was lucky to have clean clothing. And when she was out with a patron? Well, she felt more naked than dressed most of the time. In the end, she finds an outfit that she thinks she's comfortable enough in to go out with Matt. She leaves the top button of her black cardigan open, exposing a little more skin than what would just be seen by the black lace panels. She had chosen it specifically for those panels and the textural contrast it would cause. The skirt is also black and a little more gauzy than she's used to but after looking in the mirror for the hundredth time, she thinks that she looks acceptable enough. Even her makeup isn't all that bad.

When she finally steps outside his bedroom, she's already ready to bolt. Then she sees Matt and stops. Does he know how good he looks? How much she wants him, even covered in all those layers? Katniss smiles a little nervously and clears her thorat to catch his attention. "Hey."
stillplaying: ([happy] just a girl)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-18 02:41 am (UTC)(link)
Baby steps. It's what her entire life has become since moving in with Matt. Small, tiny steps as if she's learning to walk all over again. But instead of learning to walk, she's learning to be a functioning member of society. She's learning not to see everyone surrounding her as the enemy. And she's learning how to trust other people, too. People like Matt. And it's terrifying knowing all the bad that she's done and all the good that he's done. Katniss is certain that it's only a matter of time before he learns something that's enough to push her away. But she's still taking the chance. Just one step at a time.

Someplace new and unfamiliar will help. Especially a place where she can't just resort to sex when words get too tough. It's been so easy to do that in his loft. Avoid chatting by giving him something else to occupy his attention. She wants to be able to tell him everything. She wants him to learn more about her, just as she wants to learn more about him. But every time she thinks she's worked up the nerve, she chickens out as soon as she sees him. Resorts to sex instead. Out at a restaurant, she won't have that opportunity.

A relationship based on sex wouldn't be so bad, would it? Being able to love each other physically on such a regular basis would still be satisfying. No, more than satisfying. But she wants Matt on a much deeper level than that. She doesn't want him to be another patron in the end because he isn't. He's the man that she loves. A relationship based on sex would be easier but it was never a choice for them.

There are still so many things that Katniss would never think of. She never considered how her makeup might smell, let alone the newness of her clothes. All she had really thought of was touch. Giving him enough diversity there to both entice and maintain his interest. It's such a ridiculous fear, already worrying that she won't be enough to maintain any kind of attention. That she might not be good enough for anything but sex. She wants to be. She wants to be someone Matt could be proud of having on his arm.

Her heartbeat quickens even more as he approaches, afraid that he might 'see' something that he doesn't like. But as soon as he's standing in front of her, she calms. Like his presence brings with him some kind of aura of peace that she just wants to wrap herself up in. And in some strange way, it does just that. She smiles at his question and reaches out to take his hands and place them on her shoulders. "Always," she whispers, blushing at her clear admittance of trust.
stillplaying: ([happy] fond of you)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-19 05:11 pm (UTC)(link)
Not all of those steps have been worthwhile. A number of them, especially those related to finding a job, have felt more like setback after setback. But lately, every little step she's taken when it comes to Matt has given her something worthwhile in return. It makes her feel like she's doing something right. Like she might just have a future, and a direction to go in. It's a nice change from the life she's used to. Now if only she could make it work in other aspects of her life.

He always wants to do something nice for her. Always. Since he agreed to take her home with him, he's always been trying to help her. She used to wonder what he got out of it but then she realized he's just a good person. A good person that loves her. As much as it would be easy to keep this to sex, that would never work for them. Not given the future that she wants with him, too. It just means more steps.

Katniss has never been afraid of taking the harder path before. Why should she start now?

If she realized that he could smell the way she blushes, she'd probably just blush more. This moment is an admittance of trust. She trusts him implicitly. Always will. It had been a risk agreeing to go home with him that night, taking that leap of faith that he wouldn't just turn her into the cops the next morning. He should've. But he hadn't.

She stands completely still as he runs his hands over her body. She wants to lean into him, wrap her arms around his and kiss him hard. Her body responds to his touch automatically even if there's nothing all that sexual about it. It's that husky quality in his voice. And the way she just always seems to want him. Katniss is glad that she put in this effort for him. It seems to be paying off. "Thank you," she whispers, taking one of his hands and placing a kiss on the knuckles. "You look handsome tonight, Matt. I really like it."
stillplaying: ([happy] a little bit flirtatious)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-19 09:00 pm (UTC)(link)
It's probably silly to get diverted like this. She should probably focus on getting her life back together. Finding a job that she'll stick with and figuring how to throw in night school on top of it. Jumping in to a relationship with the man who saved her life probably wasn't the smartest move but she's okay with that. At least, for some bizarre reason, she's found a way to make things work with Matt. She's succeeding at something and for the first time in a long time, it doesn't involve killing children or selling herself to the highest bidder. It's a nice feeling.

It's too bad more people don't want the world to be the way Matt wants it. More of those superheroes out there need to focus on the little people. Maybe then those big global crises might be easier to avoid. At least that's what Katniss would like to think. Would the Avengers have ever bothered with the Games? No. She doesn't think so. Maybe it's Matt's influence or her own bitterness. Whatever he thinks, he is good. Maybe better than any else out there. Because they left after the Incident. In the short time that she's known him, she can't picture Matt ever doing that.

Most people might not want to know how strong his senses are but Katniss isn't most people. It shouldn't bother her that Matt can't see her but it does. She doesn't think herself as much to look at but she wants Matt to be happy with the choice he's made in loving her. Those little details he can pick up on are how he sees the world. She trusts Matt, yes. But what's hard is to think that she's worthy of being loved.

Really, if Matt wanted to spend all night feeling her up, Katniss wouldn't complain. His hands are calloused but warm against her skin. More than that, she knows what those hands are capable of. But she understands the purpose in this date even if it terrifies her. It would be easier to just have sex. So much easier. But it delights her that he loves her enough that he wants to show her off.

"You're blushing," she says softly, smiling at the thought that she's capable of making him blush like that. She takes his hand and places it against her lips so he can feel the smile. "Anyway," Katniss continues in a more matter-of-fact tone, "you know I like that five o'clock shadow. Especially how it feels against my skin."
stillplaying: ([fear] hesitant)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-19 11:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Then it's probably a good thing that Katniss has never been very good at listening to the advice given to her by other people. If she had, she never would have dropped out of school. She never would have wound up in the Games. And though she could do without those other parts of her life, she knows that she wouldn't be here with Matt if anything had gone differently. Katniss isn't all that certain if she's made any progress within the past week. She's been reluctant to tell him much about her past, afraid that he'll decide that he made a mistake. But she agreed to this. Agreeing to this has to be a good start.

No, it's not vain. People that she'd consider vain don't wish for people to be like them. They just want to be better than everyone else and there's no way that Matt falls under that category. Not when he goes out there on nights that he shouldn't. Or comes home so badly beat that Katniss isn't sure anything she does to patch him up will actually work. Those are the nights that she's almost tempted to drug him and take him to a hospital. Except that would be a betrayal of trust. It would be a lot easier to have his back.

At some point, she'll reclaim the self-confidence that she once had. She'll accept that it's Matt's choice to love her back. If either of them really had much of a choice at all in the way they feel. If there had been a choice, Katniss never would have fallen for him. She's complicated his life enough. He didn't need to accept a love-struck teenager in his life as easily as he did, let alone love her back. But it's too late to change any of that, isn't it? And even if they could, she's not sure she'd want to.

She's not so naive as to think that the same hands that love her so sweetly aren't capable of violence. She's seen the bruises on his knuckles, the cuts and bruises on his body. He can cause serious damage if he wants to. But while she might not have the same training that he does, she has had to fight, too. And kill. It won't scare her away. Besides, she remembers everything about that night in crystal clear clarity. And she's still here. Terrified that the date will go horribly wrong but here nonetheless.

The girl Matt Murdock loves. That's a description she could grown fond of being ascribed to her. She shivers as he runs his hand down her neck, her eyes closing again to savor his touch. When he takes her by the arm, she opens her eyes to look at him. Her brow knits together as she solemnly listens to everything he has to say. She's been to his office but he had already been there. They've never actually just walked around together. These are things she hadn't considered and it makes her feel a little guilty. Of course he can't just walk around in the same way he does in the loft.

"I don't mind," she insists, tightening her grip on him. But she is a little nervous. Katniss isn't a good liar. What if she doesn't pretend enough? "Just tell me where the restaurant is. I can lead the way."
stillplaying: ([neutral] his muse)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-20 05:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Advice, in Katniss' opinion, is there for people who can't make up their own minds. It's given by people who think they know better when they can never possibly imagine what someone else has gone through. She doesn't need it. She'll go with her heart and gut. It somehow led her to Matt. And maybe if she hadn't gone through what she did, she wouldn't understand why Matt acts as a vigilante. She wouldn't be able to tolerate the violence or danger or any of it.

She might not be as good at patching him up as Claire had been, but between their combined knowledge, she hasn't done that bad a job. At least, that's what she'd like to think. It might just be that he's too stubborn to die but whatever it is, Katniss is happy that he's still alive. She'd like to keep him that way. If he doesn't let her have his back in the field, maybe she should see if it's possible for middle school dropouts to become nurses. Time in the Games got her over the queasiness she used to feel whenever she went with her mother to work at the Interfaith Medical Center. When her mother used to work.

He's made her life better too. But it does surprise her that she hasn't gained more weight from all the free food his lawfirm seem to get.

If she's ever going to get used to that description, they have to take this relationship outside of the apartment. She's heard enough from Foggy (unwillingly, when she couldn't figure out how to avoid him) to know that Matt doesn't date. His relationships generally don't last more than a month. Forget about love or any of that crap. She doesn't want to be another one of those girls. So they have to do this, don't they? Make this more about sex.

She smiles softly, placing her fingers on his lips to feel the smile. "I'm okay." The knee-high boots have a small heel but nothing impossible to walk in. "I'm okay," Katniss says again, reassuring herself rather than him this time. She can do this. He's not ashamed to be seen with her. She shouldn't be ashamed of herself. Katniss tugs on the arm linked with hers and starts to walk in the direction of the door. "Four blocks down and two to the right. Not that far."
stillplaying: ([neutral] will be brave)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-20 11:29 pm (UTC)(link)
That goal will probably change a number of times between now and when she successfully does obtain her GED. But her determination to do something to protect him won't. It's gone past wanting to repay him for saving her life. She just wants to keep him alive. And maybe do something to pay it forward. Help people like he does. Atone for all the lives she's taken. It wouldn't be such a bad thing. And Katniss would like to think that it would make Matt proud.

Eventually, she will ask about his reasons for staying single for so long. Why someone as smart and as handsome as Matt hasn't already been taken by another woman. She understands that his complicated life plays a large role in that but it has to be more than that. Ultimately he'd meet someone who would understand why he runs around in a mask at night. Despite all his opportunities, he's chosen her. He thinks that she's worth it. Katniss has no doubt that he's worth it. She wouldn't have stuck around this long if she hadn't.

Katniss is unable to stop the grin that develops when he squeezes her arm. Or the way he sticks closer to her than he needs to. He wants to make it clear to everyone they might encounter that they're together. It both flatters and honors her.

"I never left Brooklyn all that much before," Katniss starts to admit as she locks up behind them. She trails off and gives a slight shrug of her shoulders. "Or even Bushwick." She presses the button for the elevator, leaning in to him as they wait. It feels weird to open up this much. Or talk this much. But she's trying anyway. "When I was offered the au pair job, I thought it would be my chance to live in Manhattan. That it would be glamorous. I was an idiot."
stillplaying: ([interest] reading between the lines)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-21 03:58 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, it's extremely hypocritical and even if Matt's the lawyer, Katniss is stubborn enough not to relent to any argument all that easily. This week has been the first week in a month where she hasn't brought up the idea of the Devil of Hell's Kitchen having a sidekick. When it would normally be difficult to hold her tongue, her thoughts have been otherwise occupied when Matt's come home. Discussing the sidekick thing seemed like it would stray too close to discussing topics she wasn't ready to discuss yet.

Vulnerability is hard. Hence her avoidance of it for the past week. She minds being vulnerable in front of him even though she shouldn't. If Katniss could trust anyone in this world, it's Matt. But she's spent those previous two years building up enough walls and shields so that no one could hurt her emotionally that it seems far too much a risk to actually let those shields go. But she's trying. Katniss doesn't want to give Matt any reason to look for someone new.

Katniss is a quick learner. It's a skill that helped to keep her alive and relatively well off in comparison to some of the other children who had developed similar reputations to her own. Life with Matt is about engaging with all the senses, picking up on those subtle hints. She'd also like to think that she's a good deal prettier than Foggy, too. Not pretty enough to be with someone with Matt's looks but still pretty.

Her eyes close when he kisses her forehead and she takes a deep, calming breath. She's tried to tell herself similar when her depression and self-loathing have risen to particularly high levels but it never seems to work. Hearing it from Matt, though? She can almost believe it when Matt says those words.

The elevator comes and she leads him inside, dwelling on his new question. She's not quite certain if she likes the change in subject but it is nice not to have to talk about her mistakes. Her heart does skip a beat though. What if he doesn't agree on her views?

But Katniss has to be honest with him. Not because he'd know if she was lying but because she couldn't imagine not being honest with him. "Yeah. I guess so. I've been responsible for my sister since she was born. Both my parents worked a lot." The elevator descends as she thinks it over for a second. Au pairing is out of the question. She has no desire to leave Hell's Kitchen because that would mean leaving this life that she's beginning to build. "Have you ever thought about kids?"
stillplaying: (Default)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-22 09:07 pm (UTC)(link)

And what will alleviate her fears of losing him? She can never ask him to quit being Daredevil. It's too much a part of who he is. And she knows the good that he's accomplished as Hell Kitchen's guardian. Katniss has experienced that first hand. But there's still a big difference when it comes to accepting Matt's alter ego and keeping herself from fearing for his life every night that he goes out. At least if she's out there with him, she can do her best to protect him and ensure he does come home every night. Soon she'll bring it up again but for now, he's right in the assumptions he's made.

She hadn't realized how important vulnerability was until she had kissed him without thought. In the seconds that had followed, Katniss had realized that she had set herself up for rejection because he couldn't possibly care for her in a remotely romantic way. She had been wrong in that but it also proved to be only the first moment of vulnerability she's since experienced. Letting those walls down definitely feels like one of the hardest things that she's ever had to do but for Matt, it's worth it. And she knows she's not the only one having to do this.

You just can't survive in a life like the one she's led without picking things up quickly. But in Katniss' case, she's always been like that. Besides, it makes him happy that she pays attention to the way he does things differently from "normal" people. She's noticed that much. And it does make living with him easier than she thought it would be. Foggy, in her opinion, is not the best person to ask for unbiased opinions on women. As far as she's been able to tell, almost all women are beautiful in his opinion. She's not any different. Not all that pretty.

But Matt Murdock loves her. Despite everything, he loves her. Someone loves her of their own volition. That's what ought to matter. Someday, she'll believe everything he thinks about her without an ounce of cynicism.

No wrong answer. It's a strange prospect . Even in the Games, there were right and wrong answers. But so far, this easy question and answer date thing isn't so difficult. Or so bad.

Her eyes stay on that slight grin until the doors open and she's finally forced to look away. It's too bad. His eyes might never focus on her when she talks but that smile always seems to indicate that he's paying close attention. Katniss gives his arm a small squeeze before leading them out of the elevator. Maybe exiting will be enough to distract him from the way her heart skips a beat in response to his answer. Or the large grin that crosses her face.

"It's not a bad idea," she agrees, doing her best to remain nonchalant with her tone. Any thought of children of her own is still years off into the future but something about knowing Matt wouldn't mind them too seems to make that future more real. "An older blind kid that no one else wants to adopt?"

She means the words in some sort of affectionate, light jest but there's a tone of seriousness hidden in there. Katniss can understand why Matt might want to pay it forward like that.

stillplaying: ([interest] quietly listening)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-24 03:47 am (UTC)(link)
It's just a part of loving someone. And it's an especially potent fear once you've experienced loss yourself. She and Matt both did at an early age and it's affected both of them in different, but similar, ways. They can be far too overprotective of the people they care for most. Katniss doesn't know how to be any other way and she suspects Matt doesn't either. It'll be easier for her once she's out there with him. Just like it'll be easier for him once he realizes just how deadly serious she is about helping him.

Even if people aren't meant to be hard shells, some still try anyway. She wanted so badly to be one. Not to care anymore. Not about herself, about others, about anything other than providing for Prim's future. Life had made her harder but Matt had intervened before the process had become irreversible. She'll hate this vulnerability for a while - maybe even forever. But so far, she has yet to see how it hasn't been worth it. He's been very open to reciprocation, in both words and in actions. That has helped. A whole lot more than he might even realize.

This is the first time Katniss has lived without family. That room she was kept in previously doesn't count. It was more of a prison cell than anything else. She tries to be attentive to Matt's way in life in part because she's so new to this. Because she owes him so much and doesn't want to make Matt ever regret taking her in. And it has worked out. He's no longer exiled to the couch and for the first time in a long time, she feels safe when she falls asleep. She couldn't ask for anyone better to live with, either. Nor would she want anyone else.

At least he doesn't call her out on the way her heart skips a beat. It doesn't bother her so much that he's listening. She understands that, to a certain degree, he just can't help it. What it comes down to is vulnerability and having to admit what his words mean to her. How happy she is that they agree on this issue.

"You never told me why Stick left," Katniss answers softly, leaning into him as they leave the apartment. It's early evening in New York and there are a number of people about. That little world they had built for the past week in his loft is gone. Sticking close to Matt, using her body language to clearly indicate that he's hers, seems a lot better than giving in to the fear and pulling away. One appeases her selfish side a lot better than the other. "He wasn't in your life for very long, was he?"
stillplaying: ([sad] self-loathing)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-27 05:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Matt helps people no matter the cost to his self. That’s where they really differ. Katniss only puts her life at risk when it comes to the people she loves most in the world. When it comes down to it, while she recognizes the need for superheroes in Hell’s Kitchen, she’d just as easily pass the job over to someone else. But because it’s Matt out there as Daredevil, she has to join him. To protect him for her own sake. That makes him the better of them in her opinion but regardless of her own self view, nothing she’s said has successfully pushed Matt away yet. It makes Katniss much more willing to continue to open up to him.

Katniss is used to living in small spaces and sharing those spaces with other people. Because of that, something like leaving towels on the floor hasn’t even crossed her mind. It’s easiest to put everything away where it belongs. As for moving furniture, well, this is his apartment. She’d never move anything without his permission. Katniss never thought that she’d like sleeping beside someone this much. But curling up beside Matt at night has to be one of the best parts of taking this next step forward with him.

She glances up when Matt takes a deep breath. Katniss might not have senses anywhere near as keen as his but walking this close to him, some things are hard to miss. At first she’s worried that she might have said something wrong and brought up a sore topic but when he starts to speak, she calms a little. Relatively, anyway. Because the frown that crosses her face a few seconds later has nothing to do with the red light at the crosswalk.

“I wanted to be like that,” she admits quietly, scowling at a cab that turns a little too close to the curb. For a few seconds, Katniss wonders if she should continue talking. Stick had obviously hurt Matt when he had left and here she is, admitting that someone like Stick might as well be a role model for her. What kind of person does that make her? The light changes and she tugs gently on his arm to signal that they should resume walking. “Not having any weaknesses. That meant attachments and emotions, too. I think I still want to be like that sometimes.”
stillplaying: ([serious] real)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-28 12:13 am (UTC)(link)
It'll keep Matt alive. That's all she wants. After two years of killing people for her own survival, she'd much rather do so to keep someone she loves alive instead. Not that Matt will probably let her kill anyone out there. Not that she wants to. She would be happy if she never had to kill again. But Katniss would in a heartbeat. She would kill and torture and do whatever she needs to protect the people that she loves. And that includes Matt. It's included him for a long time. Otherwise, Katniss wouldn't continue to open up to him. She wouldn't be putting in any of this effort if she felt otherwise.

But it does terrify her that he will reach his breaking point. He's a good Catholic boy (regardless of his penchant to beat people up). She's just a former child killer and prostitute. How can there not be a breaking point? It's only a matter of time before he reaches it. Maybe she's as much of a glutton for punishment as he is because she keeps worming her way into his life. She doesn't want to quit loving him anytime soon.

"You could never be like Stick," she says, her voice a mix of love, a soothing and reassuring tone in her voice. It's not a bad thing at all. Katniss admires him for that. She loves him because he loves so easily. She has no idea how to be like that. Katniss squeezes his arm reassuringly. "And even if you tried, it wouldn't work. You wouldn't be Matt Murdock."
stillplaying: ([neutral] distant)

[personal profile] stillplaying 2016-03-28 01:52 am (UTC)(link)
She only knows how to hurt people. It's all that she's ever been taught. How to hurt, how to kill, how to survive. Intimidation wouldn't cut it in the arena. No one wanted to see a fight that ended in truce rather than blood and death. She new how to torture, how to play to the audience's blood lust to increase her own (marginal) payout at the end of the day. She's not a good person. Then again, she never pretended to be. Nor had she ever been his responsibility. He had rescued her, given her a place to live when he probably should have kicked her to the street, but Katniss never considered Matt responsible for her well-being. She much prefers that he'd kill to protect her because he loves her. It puts them (in her opinion) on much more equal footing.

She does look forward to that fear someday disappearing. She looks forward to knowing he loves her and not feeling terrified by that knowledge. And she looks forward to feeling whole and sound in her own skin again. Recognizing herself as the person Matt sees, feeling just as excited to be loved by him as she is already feels to love him.

Were they alone in their apartment, this would usually be the point in the conversation where Katniss has had enough. Where she can't handle any more emotional talk and she'd silence them both by kissing him as hard as she can. Though she can pause their walk and kiss him on the street, she can't do anything more than that. She can't stop him from emotional conversation by getting him in bed (or the couch or the wall or wherever the most convenient surface is). She has to talk instead.

"I'm only here because I was stupid and I fell in love with you the night you got me out of the Games," she mutters, finally looking away from him. She hates to admit this. To admit to any of this. "I was trying. And I could've been like that. But I met you instead."

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