thingsthatshine | Open Post

After Sookie, after he left the pack life for good, Alcide had been very lonely. He'd poured himself into his work. Occasionally, he went out for a drink. Buffy just happened to be out on the same night he was. He just happened to notice her because, let's face it, she's beautiful. Something about her beauty combined with her obvious sadness had drawn him to her. What was meant to be a one night stand on both sides had turned into something much more. Alcide couldn't get her off of his mind. And Alcide is persistent when he wants something to work.

He always jokes with her that he broke her down until she quit trying to get rid of him, which isn't too far from the truth. Because of all of this, her comment about not deserving him doesn't surprise him. She's said it before. She'll say it again. Alcide always braces himself when she says it, worried she's about to try to push him away again.

It just makes him hold on tighter. "You do. And if there's better out there, I'd be stupid to point it out."

After a moment he pulls back and cups either side of her face in his large, warm hands, tilting her face up so he can look in her eyes. He knows she's lost in the past when it's hard for him to look him in the eyes. Alcide wants to bring her back into the present. He kisses her brow again, her cheek, brushes his lips against hers. "Lemme draw you a warm bath. You can soak then we'll have some dinner. We can watch TV, whatever you want." He kisses her again. "That sound good?"

It's fortunate that Alcide had been persistent because despite the fact that Buffy liked him, that he was gorgeous and they'd had fun that night, she hadn't had any intention of seeing him again. She hadn't been interested in letting anyone get close. If it weren't for his persistence, she wouldn't be here with him right now and she needs him more than she'll probably ever admit, though it's pretty obvious.

No, it's not too far from the truth. She feels as if she probably should push him away for his own good. Buffy is a hollowed out, broken person and she knows that there's only so much healing that she's capable of regardless of how good Alcide is to her, regardless of how much he loves her. She doesn't even think that loving him can heal her completely.

She doesn't say it to get him to hold on tighter, but she's so grateful when he does. It's selfish and if he wanted to go, she wouldn't stop him, but she's glad that he stays.

Her eyes close at the way he kisses her, the tenderness he takes with her is heartbreaking and it makes love swell up in her chest, but it also brings tears to her eyes. Love is pain; she had that right all along, but she wants to wallow in this for as long as he'll let her. She nods a little at his plan for the evening, resting against him a little bit longer before she steps back.

"Thank you," she tells him. She worries at her bottom lip with her teeth. "Will you stay with me?" She means while she soaks in the tub, but she also means it in a larger sense.

Buffy is just the right mix of letting Alcide care as much as he does and also being strong enough to care for herself. Alcide has always needed a little bit of both of those and he's never gotten them from anyone he's been with before. He needs to feel wanted and needed. He also needs to know that he doesn't always have to be the strong one, that Buffy can hold her own at any second where she might need to.

Right now, and usually whenever he needs it, he's able to be tender with her, to show that he gives a damn without it getting strange and complicated. From what he knows about Buffy, they've both had their fair share of complicated where relationships are concerned. And wherever it is that they're headed together, even if it gets strange and complicated, they seem to be coming back to one another.

When she steps back, he starts for the bathroom, pausing at the door with his hand on the frame and looking back when she speaks again. A corner of his lips pulls up and he nods. "Try and get rid of me."

Again, it's nice to be needed.

In the bathroom he sets the water just right before putting the plug in the drain. He adds some of Buffy's shower gel to add some bubbles and then sits down on the floor outside of the tub. He mixes the water a few times with his hand to get it all the same temperature. "Think I got it just right, babe."

Buffy likes being taken care of and maybe it's because she knows she doesn't need it. She's strong enough on her own, but emotionally she needs him every day. She's a mess emotionally even if physically she's plenty strong. She likes that she doesn't always have to be the strong one as well. It's hard to live with the world on your shoulders, to be strong for everyone. She knows. She left that life behind.

Strange and complicated would be fine with Buffy. She's used to strange and complicated, but she also likes that things with Alcide have stayed relatively simple. This is the closest they've come to talking about a future. She's okay with that too because he reassures her in all these little ways that he's going where she goes.

She bows her head, a smile ghosting over her lips at his words. She likes knowing he'll stay and she feels like Alcide will stay even if things get weird. She knows he's no stranger to that.

While he's drawing the bath water, she strips off in the bedroom, grabbing a robe and wrapping it around her. She grabs the long lighter and takes it into the bathroom to light candles around the room. She steps over to the tub, pausing to run her hand through Alcide's hair and lean down to press a kiss to his forehead before she takes the robe off and sinks down into the water. She goes under water, lying there for a moment in the quiet that being underwater presents before she sits back up, slicking her hands over her hair.

"Dawnie died two years ago today. Tonight," she finally says. "I tried to stop her. It was my job to take care of her and I couldn't. I didn't."

Alcide is mostly a gentleman and tries not to do more than glance at her until she's in the bathwater. Not that he hasn't seen all of Buffy from every angle many times over. He has. But given her mood and what she needs right now, he can catch on that now is not the time to gawk. She needs his presence, not his sexual advances. Once she's in the water, however, he does watch her in profile.

Of course he knows about Dawn. He doesn't know all the details, but he knows Buffy lost her sister. And his heart breaks for her knowing that the anniversary of that is today. Alcide makes a mental note to remember this day so he'll know when it's coming around next year.

"Aw, Buffy..." Alcide shakes his head and pushes a hand back through his shaggy locks as he looks straight ahead again. He knows loss. He knows that sometimes it isn't something you ever fully recover from. He knows how hard it is for those left behind who actually give a shit about the one gone.

After a moment, he looks back over at her. "Losin' blood kin, that's like losin' a piece of yourself. Sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks, like today. You wanna talk about how..." He hesitates. "I mean you don't have to. Just, if you need to, I'm right here."

She doesn't mind being looked at, but he's right that she doesn't need sex right now. She needs to talk to him; she needs to be held and loved. She needs exactly what he's been doing instinctively. She likes that he watches her. It makes her feel loved and wanted.

He'll be more prepared for it next year if he does that. She'd also be surprised that he plans on being around next year.

Maybe that's part of why he's with her, because he understands the way loss hollows a person out.

She catches her breath, nodding a little. "I'm not--" she presses her lips together and exhales through her nose. "I'm not the person you think I am." She looks up to the ceiling, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. "Have you ever heard of the Slayer?"

Alcide never does anything halfway, not at this point in his life. In the past he'd waffled over things here and there. But since leaving the last pack he tired to be in, he's been an all in or all out kind of guy. That includes how hard he fell for Buffy and how deeply he wants to be everything she needs when she needs it.

When she starts to tell him that she isn't the person he thinks she is, his stomach does an uncomfortable twist that has his insides tingling. He's been honest with her in every way, maybe, in part, because of all the secrets and mixed messages from his past relationships with Debbie, Rikki, then Sookie. His world always gets twisted up because people aren't honest.

He's already bracing himself for what's coming when he shakes his head. He pulls his knees up and rests his arms on them. "Never heard of it... except the band."

Most days, she thinks that Alcide is the reason he's survived at all. He's the reason that she can still feel emotions, the reason that she's more than a husk of a girl. Buffy can survive physically without any problem. She doesn't need anyone, but emotionally, after Dawn died, she's been barely hanging on. He's made all the difference for her.

It's really not as bad as all that. She is still the person he fell in love with, she just used to be more, or maybe she's supposed to be more. She's not sure which. She rests her chin on her knees. She hasn't lied to him. She just hasn't been very forthcoming with her past.

"In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer," Buffy says in a whisper, clearly repeating something she's heard a thousand times. "At least that's how it's supposed to go. Things changed when I drowned for a little while and now there's two slayers, which doesn't really help anything because Faith is in jail for probably the rest of her life." She knows she's probably not making a lot of sense to Alcide. "That's why I'm stronger than a human. I heal faster. I move faster. I'm more agile. I've got essence of a demon in me. I'm supposed to keep people safe from the supernatural." She glances at Alcide. "I don't kill werewolves. I never have. You can't help what you are. I just try to make sure they're not killing people during the full moon. Restrain and all that. I don't even kill vampires or demons if they aren't hurting people." She pauses. "I didn't, I mean." She closes her eyes and sighs. "Dawnie was magical. Literally. She was made from a part of me, this magical key whose blood opened portals. A hell goddess got stuck here. I--I couldn't kill her. Not before she used Dawn to open a portal. Once the blood started, the portal only closed when the blood stopped." She swallows hard. She hates telling this story; she has to relive it along with her failure, but Alcide needs to know. He's earned the right to know.

"Giles--Giles wanted me to--I don't know. He thought I should have let Dawn die, I guess. I wasn't going to. I was going to stop Glory. I was going to save Dawn. I was going to save everyone, but she was so strong and I...I couldn't. The portal opened and Dawn was bleeding and...I couldn't get there in time. I would have saved her. I would have let the portal swallow the whole world, but that's not how it went. I told Giles before it ever started that if Dawn died, I quit."

She opens her eyes and turns her head to look at Alcide. "That's why I'm here. I quit being the slayer and now I'm just...Buffy."

Initially, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Alcide can tell that she's reciting something in the beginning, but then she veers off into her own words that make little sense to him for what he knows of Buffy. She's never mentioned the Slayer to him, or anyone named Faith. He's always known that Buffy is above average in every way, including strength, both physical and of character, but he's never really thought too much about it.

Now he knows she's special, more so than he'd known before, a Slayer. Somehow he isn't worried even when she says she saves people from the supernatural. She's known what he is for a long while now. She's never hurt him and she's had ample opportunity. He's grateful for the clarification that she won't hurt him, but he'd already known she wouldn't.

He takes the story about Buffy's sister being a key and hell goddesses in stride. Alcide has both seen and been through a lot of weird shit. He's pretty sure his mind can't be blown anymore. Plus, the story isn't about those outlandish things. It's about Buffy losing someone she loved. That trumps everything else.

When she pauses, he reaches a hand out and cups the back of her neck, his hands somehow both strong and gentle, reassuring. She's not alone. He's here. He's watching her with an intensity that is uniquely Alcide when she finally looks over to him. He doesn't want to give her any platitudes that do no good. Instead, Alcide gets up to his knees and leans over the edge of the tub to kiss the top of her head, her brow, her cheek. Then he picks up a sponge and pours some of her body wash on it before running it over her back and shoulders.

"Life happens and it ain't always fair, Buffy. I know that. You know that." He says. "Sometimes you gotta forge your own path whether you win or lose. I don't care if you're the Slayer or not... 'long as you're still the Buffy I know. Far as I can tell, you are. And I'm still here."

At least she's aware she's not making a lot of sense. The problem with telling Alcide (or anyone who doesn't know what a slayer is) is that there's so much to explain. She'd sort of dived into the middle of it because talking too much about her former life tends to break Buffy, and she's broken enough already today. She'd realized that he wouldn't recognize any name except Dawn's because she doesn't talk about those people anymore, the people who had been okay with letting Dawn die.

She isn't special, not in her mind. She's just someone's pawn. Her main concern in telling him what she used to be, what she used to do, is that he know she's not going to hurt him or anyone else. She'd never hunted the supernatural without any regard to how they lived, not since Angel showed her that not all vampires were monsters and Oz showed her that not all werewolves are animals. Sometimes she wonders about Angel and Oz. Would they have been okay with letting Dawn die?

Honestly, that's why she'd told him, because he lives with her loss every day and he does it so much more gracefully than she does. She'd wanted him to at least understand why she's as broken as she is.

She's as grateful for the lack of platitudes as she is for the strong touch. She really had very few expectations when it came to Alcide's reaction, but she did have hope for how it would go (hope that she wouldn't have without him; it was such a foreign word when she met him) and this is a better reaction then she could have even hoped for.

She smiles ever so slightly at him. "See, you're too good to me." Which is how this had all started in the first place.

An excess of history is something that Alcide can understand. Maybe he'd told Buffy what he is. Maybe he'd even told her about how Debbie had cheated on him and got hooked on drugs, how Rikki never trusted him because he was never fully a pack wolf, how Sookie had always loved someone else while he was with her. But he'd spared her the minute details of those relationships, how stupid he'd been through each of them, how easily duped, among other things.

If there is anything that those issues can be pointed to where Alcide is concerned, it's that he loves too much. He doesn't do anything halfway. It's the same with Buffy. He keeps waiting for her to tell him that he loves her too much, waiting for the bottom to fall out. But until that happens, if that happens, he's going to put all of himself into it if just because he doesn't know how to do it any other way.

He's glad she told him. He needs and wants to know these things. He wants her to trust him enough to tell him.

When it seems that his response is enough for her, that pleases him. Alcide isn't always good with words, but he tries and even though it doesn't always seem to count, it seems to count with Buffy so far. That means so much to him that his efforts seem to matter with her like they never have with anyone before.

"Besides, maybe you quit the Slayer gig, but you're still fightin' in your own way." Alcide says. "Think if your sister was anything like you, she'd be okay with that. Long as you keep bein' you in that way. Don't really matter if you're doin' it for someone else or for yourself, long as you're doin' it."

They'd been dating for a while, but they'd hardly delved into all of their history. They've told each other bits and pieces. She's shared less about her life simply because she's cut herself off from it. She talks about her mom, talks about Dawn, about her life before she turned sixteen. She'd told him about the life she wanted to remember.

In Buffy's opinion, those aren't bad qualities to have. She understands, though, how those qualities could get him hurt. Until Dawn had died, at least the bit about not doing anything halfway had applied to Buffy. That had all changed when she'd lost her sister. Now, some days, it feels like she does everything halfway. She tries not to put her whole self into anything at all.

She's beginning to trust him. It takes a while for her nowadays.

When he takes the time to say something, it does count to Buffy. She's spend a good deal of her life around taciturn men, she knows when to listen.

Buffy presses her lips together. "I don't know. Sometimes I hope that she would be. Other times...I don't think it matters what she would be okay with or wouldn't because she's not here anymore."

Alcide continues to wash Buffy, running the sponge over her skin until he drops the sponge and one large hand massages at the back of her neck. She's tense, but he gets the feeling that whatever tension she has is slowly unraveling itself. He hopes he has something to do with that. He hopes to keep it unraveling.

"If you're still here, she's still here, Buffy. May not be the way you want her here. But she's here." There's some quote he heard about awhile back about death not being the final thing if you have loved ones or something like that. He doesn't remember the exact words but just lets his own version carry it to her.

He leans down to kiss the top of her head again. "You just shared her with me. That's somethin', Buffy. I can imagine she was a lot like you. Annoying in that way siblings can be, but loved." Alcide has a sister. He knows how that is.

His feeling isn't wrong at all. Every bit of tension in her is unraveling as he runs the sponge over her skin. She relaxes even more at the feel of his hand on the back of her neck. Melting into this bathtub isn't an impossibility.

She nods a little at Alcide's words. "Part of me knows that. It's just--it should have been me? You know? I was supposed to close that portal. I was supposed to save the world and she was supposed to be home watching horror movies and eating pizza with anchovies on it."

She leans against the side of the tub, closer to Alcide. He actually gets her to laugh ever so slightly. "She could annoy me faster than anyone." She looks up at Alcide. "Sometimes I think she was all the best parts of me."

And now those parts are gone.

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